everyone is single if you try hard enough
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
