If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Randomize