I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I want you more than these girls want KFC
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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