Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
