A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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