I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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