I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
