Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
