There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
