i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
