I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
