Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Randomize
