You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
