That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Randomize
