Where is the hickey?
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
