im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Randomize
