he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
