I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
