How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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