So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
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