I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize