Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize