Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
