I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
