i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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