Dude my mom stole all your condoms
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
