My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
