I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I got inside last night via doggy door
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
