yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
false alarm, still single
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
