FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
