why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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