1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize
