You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Randomize
