your thong is hanging out like whoa
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
