I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Randomize
