Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
