I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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