New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
