I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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