If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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