just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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