and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
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