So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
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