I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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