if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
