i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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