Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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