Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
