I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Randomize
