i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
