someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
