Are we in a gay sports bar?
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
