just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
