I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
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