I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Randomize
