I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
