I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
