oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
