maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Randomize
