Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
